unaccompanied minor

my mother god bless her, just does not get it
i recently revealed to her my interest in psychology and we began discussing its different applications
shes gotten really into researching different avenues i could go down
she called me during my three hour layover at the Salt Lake City airport to chat. It ended up being a conversation in which, while i peed, she told me that i could become a drug and alcohol counselor. "rehabs are all over the place" she said, "its a booming business." oh mom.
i know she means well, shes only trying to help
but its funny how she'll one day say how much she understands my need to explore, my desire for freedom to figure out my shit and then the next she's trying to guide me down a path she found via AOL news.
what i really need to do is to learn to ignore her banal attempts to do anything but be a "cheerleader".
it still irritates me that i am so weak and seemingly unable to fix or command my life.
i need to learn the secret.

im on my way back to brooklyn and it feels like the worst journey ever.
i just dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, im not excited at all, rather im dreading stepping off the plane at jfk. i wanted to stay in la but commitments had been made and hey since i got bumped from SK's studio why not try another place that will look good-ish on my resume...actors equity. oy.
it took me two weeks of crying and feeling anxiety clutching at my chest for me to realize that all i wanted to do this summer was read and walk around. I feel like i need some time to think, to clear my head but of what im not entirely sure. I just feel blocked. instead of working...helping some one create something im not totally interested in, i want to work on my projects...material and spiritual.
however at the same time i know i need to keep busy, so that my mind has the projects to fall back into for relaxation, or something like that.
im trying to remind myself that this time in ny can be ok, i dont have to drag my feet through the whole thing- i can make it work. but ive already waited until half way through june to get back, so im not sure what there really is for me to do work wise. in my wildest dreams i'll be volunteering, doing some freelance here and there, babysitting, reading, biking, and smoking with lila on her roof...talking because lord knows we need that. i guess i could make that happen, it wouldnt be hard...though im secretly hoping i'll have to get my wisdom teeth out before florence and that'll put me out for a few weeks.
haha, im hopeless.
the universe had something in store for me, i just cant keep falling back on my constantly fluctuating emotions to make choices. i've said it before and im going to have to say it again: its time for me to live.