unaccompanied minor

my mother god bless her, just does not get it
i recently revealed to her my interest in psychology and we began discussing its different applications
shes gotten really into researching different avenues i could go down
she called me during my three hour layover at the Salt Lake City airport to chat. It ended up being a conversation in which, while i peed, she told me that i could become a drug and alcohol counselor. "rehabs are all over the place" she said, "its a booming business." oh mom.
i know she means well, shes only trying to help
but its funny how she'll one day say how much she understands my need to explore, my desire for freedom to figure out my shit and then the next she's trying to guide me down a path she found via AOL news.
what i really need to do is to learn to ignore her banal attempts to do anything but be a "cheerleader".
it still irritates me that i am so weak and seemingly unable to fix or command my life.
i need to learn the secret.

im on my way back to brooklyn and it feels like the worst journey ever.
i just dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, im not excited at all, rather im dreading stepping off the plane at jfk. i wanted to stay in la but commitments had been made and hey since i got bumped from SK's studio why not try another place that will look good-ish on my resume...actors equity. oy.
it took me two weeks of crying and feeling anxiety clutching at my chest for me to realize that all i wanted to do this summer was read and walk around. I feel like i need some time to think, to clear my head but of what im not entirely sure. I just feel blocked. instead of working...helping some one create something im not totally interested in, i want to work on my projects...material and spiritual.
however at the same time i know i need to keep busy, so that my mind has the projects to fall back into for relaxation, or something like that.
im trying to remind myself that this time in ny can be ok, i dont have to drag my feet through the whole thing- i can make it work. but ive already waited until half way through june to get back, so im not sure what there really is for me to do work wise. in my wildest dreams i'll be volunteering, doing some freelance here and there, babysitting, reading, biking, and smoking with lila on her roof...talking because lord knows we need that. i guess i could make that happen, it wouldnt be hard...though im secretly hoping i'll have to get my wisdom teeth out before florence and that'll put me out for a few weeks.
haha, im hopeless.
the universe had something in store for me, i just cant keep falling back on my constantly fluctuating emotions to make choices. i've said it before and im going to have to say it again: its time for me to live.

want to hear a talking seal?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prrMaLrkc5U

we were studying him a little is psych because he is the only known mammal to produce human language sounds. Though he was only able to do it because of calcification that altered his brain makeup. pretty cool though, no?

oh i should get back to work. im so sped up.

gah!

this is pretty cool. its a horizonless map of everything above 34th.

you know im bored when i update this blog. Pretty much everything in my life goes on to livejournal. im sitting in Ds room with henri, we're listening to The Talking Heads and talking about conference work and when its appropriate to sleep. Im pretty much in the clear aside from studying for my psych exam, which i dont really want to do but if daniel is doing work i totally will...maybe. probably not though because hell distract me and ill distract him. its nice though, its nice being in love. 

i almost wish i was stressed enough to feel the conference week crunch, revel in the pain.

im so excited to get back to LA, to see my niece and more importantly to talk through my plans for next year with kate. 

i stole a copy of the new yorker from the library, i had forgotten how much i love reading it. its especially good when there are articles about mothers and neuroenhancers. daniel is right though, the comics do kind of suck. the funniest one i could find was about the tree of knowledge, fitness, and being a good dancer. though the best one i ever saw was about a guy who drove a crouton truck.

hmm 

i guess now im just waiting for the sculpture opening and then ill get to work?

i have new projects in mind, i wonder if i can get a hold of those old brain scans of mine. profiles of character, but i need to perfect mama first. psych or art, psych in art, art psychs me out.

also check my work out on Whyarewenotinparadise.com

back pain

the internet is absolutely boring me to tears. i keep going back to facebook like it will solve something, but it really only makes my boredom more intense. i guess i just dont get caught up in research or videos the way other people do. the real problem, however, is that i cant focus on my reading because i keep thinking the internet will suddenly be interesting- its not. 

the world outside my window is pinkish which is surprising considering how grey and shit it was today. i wonder if anyone else has noticed the light. 

for the first time in recent memory i cant stand being alone, though my need to be around people is less about being afraid of what happens when im alone, rather im afraid of whats happening when im not with my friends. i worry that they're having fun with out me, forgetting about me. 

its unfortunate that i live my life constantly reevaluating my thoughts and feelings. it keeps me from making real connections with people- im selfish in the weirdest way. people say im hard to talk to and i guess that can be true, im not great at asking conversational questions and my answers never seem to be of interest. to a certain degree i just lack an active interest in people and events. myself is included in "people". i like looking for answers but when i find them i often lack the foresight to use the answer to come up with a solution to the issue for which i was seeking an answer.

i hope noah doesnt...op, just got a text...flakey bastard.

just, guuh

just for shits and giggles 

i guess, i guess

my stomach is doing weird things

and im resisting my better ideas